Funny Quotations

Bill Cosby Quotations

-Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby

Al Franken Quotations

-It’s easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world. Al Franken

Robin Williams Quotations

-You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams

Casey Stengel Quotations

-The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. -There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had many of them. Casey Stengel

Salvador Dali Quotations

-I am not strange, I am just not normal. Salvador Dali

Neil Simon Quotations

-Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of [...]

Garry Trudeau Quotations

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence. Garry Trudeau

Gilda Radner Quotations

-While we have the gift of life, it seems to me that only tragedy is to allow part of us to die – whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness. -I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. -I always wanted a happy ending… Now I’ve learned, the hard way, [...]

Scott Adams Quotations

-Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue. -Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public. Scott Adams

Fran Lebowitz Quotations

-I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. -Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try. -Contrary to what many of you might imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks – chief among them is the unpleasant fact [...]

Johnny Carson Quotations

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson

Steven Wright Quotations

-There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. -When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’ -Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught [...]

Michael J. Fox Quotations

One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered. Michael J. Fox

Oscar Levant Quotations

-Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. -Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. -There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. -It’s not what [...]

Stephen Leacock Quotations

-I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. -Newspapermen learn to call a murderer ‘an alleged murderer’ and the King of England ‘the alleged King of England’ to avoid libel suits. -Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse [...]

Groucho Marx Quotations

-I have principles and if you don’t like them I have others. -She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. -I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx

Dave Barry Quotations

-You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” -You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. -What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. -I can win [...]

Mae West Quotations

-When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before. -When I’m good I’m very good, but when I’m bad I’m better. -A hard man… is good to find -It’s not the men in my life that counts — it’s the life in my men. -He who hesitates is [...]

Mark Twain Quotations

-Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. -It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. -I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened. (I [...]

Oscar Wilde Quotations

-Education is an admirable thing, but it’s well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers. -Every saint has a past and every sinner a future. -We are all in the gutter, but some of us are [...]

H.L. Mencken Quotations

-The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. -The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. -The most common of all follies is [...]